Interested in a two-month position this winter that pays $16 an hour, where you can schedule your own hours, get some fresh air plus exercise, and meet fun new people?

Many Vineyarders at this time of year could use all of the above.

That’s the basic job description for a census 2010 field worker, and Uncle Sam would like to hire hundreds of them here on the Island.

You do have to take a test. Not to worry, it’s not like the SATs. It only takes half an hour, which is the good news and the bad news: Most people could pass this mini-exam if allowed to mull things over at leisure and maybe call a lifeline or two. But the buzzer goes off at 30 minutes, so it’s good to eat your Wheaties and keep your eye on the clock.

The problem is, the test-phobic demographic includes a lot of us. This debilitating condition may be preventing many upstanding Vineyarders from signing up for this dandy gig.

So here’s a multiple choice question — just like all 28 (yes, only 28) of the questions on the sample test, to help the test-challenged figure out whether they’ll cope when their behinds are planted on government-issue metal folding chairs, they’re handed the test, and a proctor stands before them with a stopwatch in hand:

At the very thought of taking a test I have the following reactions:

A. My hand shakes so badly I circle answer B even though I know answer D is right.

B. Perspiration slides down my face and I risk leaving sweat splotches on the test.

C. I’m reminded of flunking 10th grade algebra which sets me to sobbing at my desk.

D. For $16 an hour I’d rather shovel goat guano at an up-Island Farm.

If you circled even one of the above answers, you might choose to stay away from census work, but here’s an overview of the sample test ,which should give you a fair idea of how you’ll fare on the actual exam.

First you’ll find in the sample quiz, two warm-up questions:

Number One asks you to multiply 1.5 x 6.3. This reporter did the math in five seconds flat, but stuck the decimal point in the wrong place, coming up with 94.5 instead of 9.45. Errrnk (That’s the sound used on game shows for “Wrong answer!”)

Number Two asks us to choose the number that does not follow the pattern: 40, 140, 239 and 340. Hey, how dumb do they think we are? The answer is 239 because it’s the only figure without a 40 in it. Ding dong! Right answer.

Ready to begin?

Part I entitled Clerical Skills asks the following:

1. Alphabetize these folders: (1) FOS, (2) AOS, (3) OOS, (4) FOA, (5) DOM (6) OOA. I went with answer C: 2, 5, 4, 1, 6, 3 and, checking the answers at the back of the booklet — without cheating, mind you — I discovered bingo! Right answer.

Skipping to Part II, Reading Skills, I perused Number 7 which asks us to “Choose the one answer which best fits the meaning of the word UNAUTHORIZED” so I picked, out of A. uninformed, B. unidentified, C. unofficial and D. illegal, C. unofficial because — and I have to admit, even this English major felt flummoxed: I reasoned thusly: Illegal means smoking marijuana and making a rolling right turn at a stop sign, whereas unofficial suggests a bureaucrat with a red pen in hand who will not approve of a given issue but will hardly call the cops on you. I picked C, therefore. I heard Regis Philbin in my head sneering, “Is that your final answer?” and I began to shake. Yet turning to the final page, I discovered C was right, although I felt as if the skin of my teeth had been filed clean away.

When I reached Part III, Number Skills, the perspiration of which I originally spoke began to surge through my pores like a broken water pipe. Nonetheless, I plunged once more into the breach for Question #13 which asks us to add .41 + 21.4 + 6.3 + 280. This was the work of a moment as I jotted up the total to 308. 11 which happened to be, tah dah!, correct!

If we had world enough and time, I would escort you through the rest of the exam: Part IV, Interpreting Information and Evaluating Alternatives, and Part V, Organizational Skills. The titles alone were enough to make me shake, sweat, dredge up memories of flunking 10th grade algebra, and looking in the wanted ads to see if there were any goat guano positions to be had, but instead I braved on ahead, and passed the sample questions.

I had no idea if I came in under the half-hour because I was busy typing up this information, but I’m here to say the test is fairly easy, so go ahead and sign up without fear of test-taking PTSD. $16 an hour is nothing to sneeze at for this time of the year, and you’ll get a chance to serve your country in ways that aren’t too objectionable (i.e. paying taxes, patrolling Baghdad or donning an orange vest to spear up litter along Beach Road.)

Good luck.