You heard it here first: Barack Obama is definitely (not possibly, not rumor-has-it, but definitely) coming to Martha’s Vineyard and staying in Oak Bluffs for two weeks this coming August. I can’t reveal my sources, other than to swear up and down, my right hand on a bible, that they’re impeccable. Like all stalwart journalists, I would never reveal these same sources; I would have to say “mum’s the word” to any judge threatening me with incarceration at the Duke’s County House of Corrections on Main street in Edgartown where, word has it, the grub is gourmet, the company scintillating, and escape is a cinch whenever cabin fever gets the best of you.

So now that we know that the five Obamas (I’m counting their new, cutie-pie puppy) will be touching down on these shores, the questions become, Which establishments will they visit? Whose parties will they attend? And who might they dignify with a photo op?

We’re all old hands at presidential visits. The Clintons are uppermost in recent memory, but Islanders also hosted Ulysses S. Grant in the Camp Ground in 1873. Grant was expelled for sneaking a nip from his flask during a religious service, and he ended up in Dr. Harrison Tucker’s chalet in Ocean Park where the prez was entitled to take all the nips he desired, not only from his own flask but, presumably, from bottles of Dr. Tucker’s Diaphoretic Compound Number 59 which contained a high opium content.

But returning to the issue of where the Obamas choose to see and be seen, I think it’s important to point out that Barack is a far different personage from Bill. Whereas Bill rushed out of his Oyster Pond house in the morning wondering how many hands he could shake, babies he could kiss, and crowds he could dazzle before dashing home to practice his Elvis impersonation for Carly Simon’s party that night, Barack on the other hand, after addressing more international conferences in a month than Chris Ferguson plays poker hands, might very well hanker for a real vacation, the kind we normal people take for granted, where you sprawl in a beach chair, or stop at a lemonade stand, or walk through a wildlife sanctuary without hoards of people shouting, “There he is!” “Come in and have an ice cream! We’ve got lobster-flavored!” and “I’ve got five copies of Audacity of Hope for you to sign for me, my boss, my granny, my pool guy, and my car mechanic!”

In short, we could probably offer President Obama the best vacation by extending to him the kind of privacy we’ve always imparted to movie stars, all the way from James Cagney to Owen and Luke Wilson.

On the other hand, if Barack and the incomparable Michele do show up, as did Bill and Hillary in the 90s, at Linda Jean’s for breakfast, we can hardly expect the staff to treat them like normal tourists, handing them a vibrating pager for when a table becomes available 20 minutes later. On the contrary, the secret service will have made advance plans to clear out the paying clientele, and the kitchen will make sure they have on hand eggs, pancakes and breakfast meat for the ever-popular Linda Jean’s Sampson.

But now that our noggins are fairly bursting with pipe dreams of the Obamas bestowing upon us their presence, there must be certain protocols for contacting the White House and inviting the First Family to sample our chocolates, accept pairs of hemp sandals, watch the fireworks from a rooftop cupola, or visit the sands of Squibnocket to ride the cut out to sea (a comical image if you include a body-surfing set of secret service guys surrounding our president in the current).

As your town columnist, I aim to serve, and if I learn any more about Washington coming to Oak Bluffs, you’ll be the first the hear about it.

Two fine events are coming up at the Oak Bluffs Library. The first is scheduled for Saturday, April 25, at 2:30 for a flurry of Wii and board games. One lucky participant will receive a gift certificate for Back Door Donuts. All ages are welcome. The second program is a lecture called Growing On Island. No, this is not about stuffing ourselves with comfort foods in the winter, but will entail practical advice for gardening in support of nature. The talk will be given by Polly Hill Arboretum director Tim Boland, who will discourse on native plants that work in harmony with our local ecology, all flora proven tried and true at the arboretum.

Stay tuned for more info, but Francine Kelly, director of Featherstone Center for the Arts, is in active consultation with landscaper Justen Ahren, artist Marcia Smilack, and other friends and family of Chilmark painter Dawn Greeley, who died last May 9. It was Dawn’s dream to endow a meditation site at Featherstone. The dedication will take place on Sunday, May 24 at 1 p.m. and all are invited to enjoy the new garden and to celebrate Dawn’s life, love, and art.