HOLLY NADLER
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It started out as class warfare in the garden. I’ve been helping a Chilmark friend with his weeding, and had been pulling like crazy a long-stemmed plant with a mop of yellow flowers that looks like goldenrod but isn’t goldenrod. In a formal section of the garden, with exotic conifers, ornamental grasses and tasteful sculptures, a group of these not-goldenrods had clustered together so tidily, so prettily, that it took me a while to determine they were specimens of the raggedy lowlifes getting actively yanked elsewhere on the property.
The philosophical gardener has to ask herself, what makes something a weed if it’s every bit as presentable as its nearby cultivars? So okay, most weeds are despised because they’re either massively invasive, or their leaves are spiky and ugly, or their flowers are less than spectacular. Certain “volunteers” as they’re called, are welcome in most gardens — daisies, and Queen Anne’s lace, in particular — because they’re gorgeous and, even though uninvited, are welcome as party crashers, just as, say, Leo DiCaprio would be accepted with open arms at a Hollywood bash. Or any bash. Note to Leo: drop by anytime.
So in spite of the efforts of these not-goldenrods to conform to the social niceties of the garden’s elite, I decided they had to go, although I felt guilty about it. It seemed to me that in an evolutionary sense, this agreeable little crop of not-goldenrods had broken through to the next stage; a kind of ape into hominid progression, if you will. As I pulled, I was partially vindicated by the hidden chrysanthemums now laid bare, not a bit the worse for wear from having been semi-smothered, but instead fat and healthy and bristling with the mid-fall buds for which they’re prized. But Mother Nature — or perhaps the Spirit of Darwin — was not finished with me for interrupting the social climb of the not-goldenrods. As I eliminated the last bunch, I inadvertently disturbed a beehive lodging in a low stone wall just beyond the plantings. One bee fired the shot over the bow by stinging my leg. As I ran screaming, another bee clung to the tender part of the body where the upper arm meets the torso, and proceeded to insert a stinger the size of a horse syringe.
Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch. That’s all you say and/or think for the next four hours. Until you fall asleep, and then you go ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch for the succeeding four or five days. It’s amazing how bee stings go on burning and itching. There’s something almost biblical and wrathful about the length and severity of the bee’s revenge. And F.Y.I., while topical preparations such as Benadryl and various hydrocortisone ointments failed to provide any relief whatsoever, I did get some reduction of the hellish discomfort from a tea tree oil skin care cream originally purchased at Campbell & Douglas for my dog. You’ll try anything when a vicious pair of bees has set out to teach you a lesson.
And then I recalled the big news item a year ago was the nationwide crashing of bee hives. And remember, making its way around the Internet was Einstein’s comment that when the beehives go, mankind will follow? And now look what’s crashing: the global economy! Not to get too heavy, but could there be a connection? Right after I finish writing this column, I’m heading back out to this beehive to tell these bloody little pests there are no hard feelings, and there will be no retaliation. This message will be delivered, however, from a considerable distance.
Turning to more frivolous news (just kidding): Is Pakistan Imploding?, a lecture given by Vineyard author and historian James Norton, will take place at the Oak Bluffs Library on Oct. 16 at 6:30 p.m. Refreshments will be served, but even apart from this bribe of nourishment, the talk should be fascinating. Mr. Norton, writer of the textbook series, India and South Asia, has traveled and studied extensively in that region and really knows his stuff.
The auction for 8th graders of the Oak Bluffs School will take place on Saturday, Oct. 25 at the Portuguese American Club, with the silent auction from 6 to 7 p.m. and the live auction starting at 7:30 p.m. The PTO Halloween party is scheduled for Sunday, Oct. 26 from 3 to 6 p.m.
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