HOLLY NADLER
508-687-9239
At this time of the year, with the curtain of evening falling about 17 minutes after the stroke of noon, to describe the act of getting Vineyarders out of their homes at night, we have to use such verbs as dynamiting, flushing and bulldozing. Last week an afternoon sidewalk encounter with Oak Bluffsters Frank and Rita Imbimbo led to a plan to attend an evening talk on India given by Perry Garfinkel at the West Tisbury Library. We swore we’d be there and, contrary to normal Island behavior, we all three showed up, as promised. The next day, reconnecting outside the Imbimbos’ store, Sanctuary, we agreed on the illuminating time we’d had, on how engrossing Perry’s presentation had been, and we congratulated each other for venturing out when 99 per cent of the local population was at home with slippers on feet and clicker in hand.
We concurred that, once a Vineyarder makes the Herculean effort to sally forth, he or she is inordinately proud to have done so. The trick, as stated, is in the forcible ejection from the house.
The success of ejection is in direct proportion to how far along the person has settled into his nighttime rigor mortis. The removal of shoes is the first step towards noncompliance. At this point, should someone call with a terrific plan, it’s possible the shoeless soul can be talked back into his footwear, especially loafers or Velcro-fastened sneakers: If the shoes are string-tied, the subject might be too far extended into the no-retrieval zone of nighttime paralysis. Too, if the homebody has not only removed his shoes, but changed into pajamas, you can just forget about blasting him out of his recliner, short of setting off cluster bombs on his lawn.
The paradox of all this, as Rita, Frank and I affirmed, is that in the bright light of day, we honestly believe we WANT to attend that concert or poetry reading or talk on A Just Society: Bringing It Into Focus. It’s just that, come nightfall, we curl up like pill bugs under the tramp of marching feet. What we need, once the plan gets hatched, is enforcement. A new service should be inaugurated on the Vineyard, a blend of pizza delivery guys and life coaches. In other words, there should be professionals who come to our homes to make sure we’re dressed, ready to go, car keys in hand, heading in a resolute fashion towards the front door.
Now, not all of us are going to respond to the same treatment. Some will come round with gentle coaxing, others the equivalent of the old-time Haitian Ton-Ton Macoutes roaring up to the house in raucous jeeps, billy clubs in hand. Here’s a varied menu of persuaders:
The Jeeves: This portly fellow with a plummy English accent, clad in a black Edwardian waistcoat, will speak cajolingly, as if you have a choice, even as he stuffs your legs into jeans, zips your windbreaker, and claps a knit cap over your shocked face.
The Jewish Mother: This Brooklyn-based lady will use a mix of bribes and guilt, as she offers to make your favorite chicken pot pie as, in the next breath, she reminds you that you’re eating too much and need to get out of the house for the exercise.
The Personal Assistant: This 24-year-old hottie (male or female) will unconsciously inspire you to attend an event just so you appear a little less old and calcified.
The Henchman: This 60-year-old thug sports a lush pompadour like Silvio’s in The Sopranos, and all he has to do is jerk his thumb at the door to get you moving.
The Nanny: This lady has a Scottish accent sounding much like J.K. Rowling reading her own work, and she makes you feel like a helpless six year-old as she slides a jacket over your little arms and shoves you down the front walk.
So there’s an idea for anyone looking for a fresh way to make a buck on Martha’s Vineyard: Hire a crew, print up some ads for people to call 508-693-PUSH, and wait for the calls to pour in.
At the Oak Bluffs Library on Saturday, Nov. 15 from 10 a.m. to 4:30 p.m., it’s Gaming Day! There’ll be a selection of board games, classic games and video games (Dance Dance Revolution and Guitar Hero from 2 to 4 p.m.). Hasbro has sent free copies of the new board game, Pictureka, with the idea that all over the country lots of kids will be playing at the same time, with the most kids in the most place winning some grand prize.
Also at the library, today from 3 to 4:30 p.m., all kids from 6 to 13 are invited to the Chess Group, all levels welcome. The organizer is Our Lady of Perpetual Youthful Chess, Liz Cornell.
On Saturday, Nov. 15 from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. at Cronig’s Market in Vineyard Haven, there’ll be a bake sale for homeless animals, all proceeds going to food, heat, medical needs and the general welfare of Island animals. Donated baked goods must be individually wrapped, and delivered up until 11 a.m. on the day of the sale. For more information, call Verna Carr at 508 696-8305. Weather permitting, kittens and a dog will be available for adoption.
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