HOLLY NADLER
508-274-2329
Did everyone know that on this day, 401 years ago, the English explorer Bartholomew Gosnold anchored off the shore of what we now call Oak Bluffs, in earlier times known as Squash Meadow, and claimed this town for the British crown? There might even be some arcane law on the books that enables us to acquire titles. Sir Bobby Pachico? Lady Vicky Hanjian? Rock on!
April Fools’!
You probably didn’t believe me for a second. I’ve been told I make my April Fools’ gags too elaborate. The simple ones are best: “Oops! Your car is gone.” “I’ve adopted a cat for you— wanna see it?” “I’ve been arrested.” Like that.
After attempting an April Fools’ joke, it’s difficult to say or write anything thereafter that’s taken seriously, but the following is true: Oak Bluffs came in first in the census count of 2010 as the highest-growth town on the entire Cape and Islands.
I’m going to take this in a very positive light and interpret our 22 per cent increase from 2000 to vindicate all of us who have loved this town for so long and worked to make it even more spectacular. Those of us who live here and are happily drowning in Victorian architecture and sea views from every vantage point, in addition to which we’ve kept real goods and services intact in the heart of town — Phillips Hardware, the post office, Reliable, Mocha Mott’s, and now, Conroy’s Apothecary. Bye-bye library, of course, although it’s walking distance. And Ben & Bill’s ice cream parlor has just reopened, with nine flavors available; more coming, but those nine should hold us for now.
As you may already know from following the hard news in this paper, the Cape lost population from 11 of its 15 towns. I did find it fascinating that Wellfleet gained one person, its numbers increasing from 2,749 to 2,750. Who is this newcomer in Wellfleet, and is the local media rushing to find out more about him or her? I’m picturing a version of mystery writer Cynthia Riggs’ amateur sleuth, Victoria Trumbull, a women in her 90s who knits, gardens, has some great tubby cats, and rides a delivery trike to the library.
And speaking of Cynthia, here’s a cheering dispatch I received from her via e-mail: “Soooooo great to feel a touch of spring. Snowdrops! Crocuses! Red-winged blackbirds! Daffodil noses! I’ve already planted peas, lettuce, garlic, onions, parsnips, Swiss chard, and spinach, and I stride proudly into the post office with my muddy shoes and dirt saturated jeans knees.”
I want to be Cynthia Riggs! You can take Britney Spears dropping her baby and Angelina Jolie having spats with Brad. I want to live a life where I learn to discern snowdrops from daffodils and red-winged blackbirds from snuffle-nosed boofys. And I know with a depressive certainly that I’m not tracking nearly enough mud into the post office.
More good news: Rita Brown is set to reopen her bakery in Post Office Square. The date is April 14 and, if you can force yourself to wait a day longer, Back Door Donuts will fire up on Friday, April 15. So we’ll soon be knock-knock-knockin’ on heaven’s door . . . .
Finally, things have been slow, so I’m offering to wait tables for you. But hold on! There’s more to it. On Saturday, April 2 from 5 to 8 p.m., there will be a fundraiser at the Federated Church to benefit PeaceQuilts for Haiti. It’s called Celebrity Waiters and the concept is that various people from the Island channel their favorite “celebrity” and wait tables, donating their tips to the cause. People camp it up, and invite their friends to sit at their table so they can compete to raise the most funds. Joe Capobianco makes an awesome homemade spaghetti and meatballs dinner, with Caesar salad and homemade cake for desert. It’s only $7 per adult, $5 per child and $25 per family, but diners purchase “funny money” to tip their waiters. We’ve had Cher, Lance Armstrong, Julia Child, Miss Piggy, and Sarah Palin, just to name a few. I’m going to be Lucille Ball, replete with red wig, fire engine red lips, and I need to find a way to make my eyes bluer, bigger, rounder. I need stouthearted people to sit at my table and trust that I won’t spill the pitcher of water. If you’d like me to be your waitress at this event, please phone or e-mail me with the above numbers. I’ll bring you extra Parmesan. For more info you can also call Jeanne Staples at 508-627-9822.
Okay, gotta get in character: “Rickkkkiiiii!!!!!!”
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