Saying Goodbye is an aptly named new book by Drs. Barbara Okun, an Aquinah summer resident for the past 39 years, and Joseph Nowinski of San Francisco, which Dr. Okun describes as “a co-authorship made in heaven.” The authors provide a fascinating and most helpful guide for people facing terminal illness, and for their families whose lives are disrupted by grief and new responsibilities. The book is peppered with stories of people whose experiences illustrate the points being made.

The authors write about what they call the New Grief, which is experienced by patients and their families who, thanks to life-prolonging medical advances, can spend months grieving, or even years, from their first knowledge of the patient’s terminal illness to the finality of his or her death. The writers call this process “grief as a family matter.”

This expanded period of time gives the patients a chance to participate in planning their own funerals or memorial services, assembling a photo history, accomplishing long-held desires, such as writing a memoir or a family history, a fine gift for their children and grandchildren, or, if the patient’s health permits it, he or she can take that always longed-for trip to Paris or Peru or Perth or even go around the world in 80 days.

In a perfect world, all of us would have our wills, financial information, final medical instructions and our passwords all perfectly arranged and in alphabetical order. But for those of us who are less than perfect, this book is a gold mine of information to help patients and their families accomplish these necessary tasks with the patients’ participation and with a minimum of angst.

This situation was brought home to me when my sister in law’s husband died and she had no idea where his money was located. She knew that he had had four bank accounts and that he had owned stocks and bonds. She had spent her life charging everything to her credit card and he had always paid the bills. After much hysteria on her part, she suddenly remembered their lawyer’s name and, because he had drawn up their family trust, he could find the funds.

No matter how well organized people might be, Drs. Okun and Nowinski point out, emotional upheavals in the face of chronic illness and death are common. The authors offer practical suggestions for dealing with such problems and where to find help. As always, they have fascinating anecdotal stories that make their facts more easily understood and which humanize their advice about dealing with everything from insurance companies to getting second medical opinions and how to talk to children about a parent or grandparent’s terminal illness.

Advice is given for maintaining the health and spirits of the main caretaker, for sudden emotional upheavals, and for family changes after the loss of one member. For a family facing such a situation, owning this book is like having a staunch ally by your side with every type of advice readily available, be it medical, financial or how to cope with various stages of grief.

The book has valuable suggestions for avoiding resentment between siblings over disposition of a loved one’s worldly goods. At every step of the way there are fascinating stories about people who have experienced these problems. And how they coped with them.

At the end of the book the authors have written a statement that will no doubt strongly resonate with anyone who has lost a longtime adored mate, friend and lover: “We do not believe that grief ever necessarily heals completely. The closer we are to the loved one we lose, the more likely it is that we will carry with us an emotional scar.” However, in the chapter called Moving Forward, the authors include various possibilities for survivors to consider when they have to chart their way into the future. Anyone foundering in post-loss indecision can certainly find an answer in this valuable book.