We occupied Martha’s Vineyard, which wasn’t difficult as we already lived here. Unfortunately nobody thought of OMV until fall when the infamous one per cent had already left on private jets. Someone suggested that we set up a camp, but with hunting season upon us, and most of us being older, camping didn’t seem safe.

The national struggle begat a local struggle: The proposed roundabout threatened a way of life unchanged since the advent of paved roads. We all shouted at each other for a few weeks, the roundabout got approved, reapproved, and then a lawsuit created legal limbo. When we’ve all forgotten what we were arguing about, the roundabout will be built. Or not. Which is why democracy will triumph.

We moved on to house size. The unregulated rich build McMansions, which indicates a relationship between wealth and fast food that I’ve never understood. On the other hand, highly regulated poor people, eating locally-grown produce, can’t build houses at all. They could perhaps build chicken houses, but not live in them. Anyone who has visited Plimouth Plantation understands that chickens and Pilgrims shared a bedroom. The founding fathers had no interest in regulating the habits of anyone but adulterers. What people do with chickens is nobody’s business. (Tip from Pilgrims: Hold feet firmly. Tip to planning boards: Decrease lot size for locals.)

Immigrants continue to be a concern, which I learned when I couldn’t produce my citizenship papers. Upon hearing my accent the INS mistook me for a Mexican who’d learned English watching the BBC. They denied me a phone call, only spoke in Spanish and deported me to Tijuana. I soon became involved in the drug wars where I made a fortune. I now advocate keeping drugs and immigrants illegal, have built a McMansion with underpaid foreign labor and hope to buy the roundabout. When they finally overcome Obama’s socialist agenda and privatize the roads, I will set up tollbooths. Talk radio has helped me feel proud of my new appreciation for unregulated free enterprise.

Which brings me back to occupying Christmas, a good idea even if you’re Jewish, Muslim, or Pagan because without the devil worship known as Black Friday, capitalism would collapse.

Peace on drugs, peace on cancer, peace on poverty, peace on immigrants, peace on earth. Enough wars.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight.

Michael Ditchfield lives in Edgartown.