Warning: the following column is rife with half-truths, ridiculous exaggerations, and general flights of the author’s fancy (in other words, pretty much like all his columns). Please be advised that the listed events and happenings may, in fact, be wholly fictional manifestations of a dream that Brad once had.

As is the tradition, Chappy’s Rockin’ New Year will take place at the East Beach Casino beginning at 6 p.m. this Wednesday. Admission is free for Chappy residents and $2,300 for summer people. This a family fun event, so bring the kids (there’s a clown downstairs in the boiler room to entertain them all night). Dress is casual, but pants are encouraged. Below are listed just some of the events. See you there!

Mollusk Drop: Grab a handful of scallops and spider crabs and climb Chappy’s highest cell tower! Now toss those hard-shelled goodies to the pavement below, and scramble down to recover the sweet meat revealed. But watch out for those pesky Range Rovers!

Foil Folding: Join the hilarity and grab a used piece of foil from an over-filled drawer of recycled baggies, string, wax paper and twisty ties! Now smooth out that foil, and neatly fold it before placing it back in the drawer — never to be used again.

Hammer Match: Test your wits against local contractors and match tools with their vehicles! Bonus points for most recovered dropped nails in the driveway.

Live Skype Session with Peter Wells: Enjoy a full 15-minute video conversation with everyone’s favorite former Chappy ferry owner — live from his castle in Bavaria! Ask Peter why he decided to sell the ferry to Frito-Lay. Furthermore, query him about the wisdom of replacing the wood and fiberglass ferries with a fleet constructed entirely out of cheese puffs.

Fireworks: Hang out in a small room with Chappy couples who have just spent the past week trapped with relatives (without satellite service) in their relatively modest island homes. Ask the wives why they needed to change all the sheets in the guest room because the husband’s mothers thought they’d been slept in, and . . . bang, pow, boom!

Dark Circles Competition: Join host Brad Woodger in the Seasonal Affective Disorder Lounge, and compare eye bags for cash and prizes!

Annie Heywood’s Book Club: Join Anne while she discusses the Chappy column and why neighbors either just plain don’t get BW’s writing, or (more likely still) find it offensive. Interject your own thoughts, but don’t expect them to be heard!

And that’s only some of the fun! Sample exotic Chappy fare from the Chappy potluck leftovers table . . . decorate your face with marine paint courtesy of an exhausted boat hauler . . . visit the tick museum . . . and so much more!

Please contact the Gazette for more information. And have a very happy Chappy New Year!

Send your Chappy news to: ibwsgolf@aol.com.