There are some at large who may find my column mundane. Pedestrian. Uninspired. At best. But they would feel otherwise had I fewer scruples. These ears hear things that their hands don’t write. People talk. They gossip. They complain. They divulge. But not a word finds its way into this space. If I had a dime for every time I was asked, “but please don’t put that in your column,” I’d have $1.91 (I started with a penny in my pocket). So, yes, I could spice things up with tales of who borrowed who’s hammer, never to return it. But that’s just not how I was raised. Anyway, I’m saving it all for my book.

There was a brush fire on Chappy — somewhere along the power line that runs north from Chappy Road to the Self property. Not the most convenient place to have a fire, but somehow our guys got in there and quelled the flames. Apparently a dead pine (is there any other kind?) gave up the ghost and the electric line foolishly attempted to break its fall. Shazam — brush fire. Pine Hits Line Never Mind Everbody’s Fine. Now that’s a headline. Call me Gazette, I’m for hire.

I saw some deer on the side of the paved road by the lonely Bass cottage on the “other side of the road.” They weren’t doing much, just sort of milling about, and it looked liked they might want to talk, so I slowed my truck down and unrolled my window (no power windows for this columnist — riding old school with the crank-downs).

Me: Hey guys, what’s up?
Deer: (blink)
Me: So yeah, just wanted to thank you for the Lyme.
Deer: (shuffle)
Me: I’m just kidding. No biggie. Not your fault, right?
Deer: (blink)
Me: Oh gosh, I’ve offended you haven’t I? I’m sorry, I was just trying to make conversation.
Deer: (snort)
Me: Well, you’re entitled to your opinion too. It looked like you guys maybe wanted to ask a question, so I stopped, you know, to make sure you were okay, didn’t need a ride or something.
Deer: (blink)
Me: Yeah well, I will go. But not because you told me to. I’m busy too you know.

Another friend made.

I’ve given this a lot of thought. If a movie were to be made about Chappy, I think Harrison Ford would play the part of Chappy. Ruggedly handsome, humorously irascible, devilishly intelligent (did I just describe myself?). If we were leaning toward a female lead, I think it’d be a toss-up between Katharine Hepburn and Dame Judy Dench.

Etienne is finally starting to earn his keep. I get him up at 5 a.m. and put him to work weeding the sand traps (don’t worry, I make him wear gloves). He’s not the most efficient worker — when I come back for him at 4 p.m., nary a weed’s been pulled — but the experience is good for his Chappy character.

I think you’re all caught up now. Check back in two weeks for more breaking news.

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