From the Vineyard Gazette edition of July 12, 1985 by Fran Copeland:

It’s time to go to the beach again, and the experience will be more pleasant if everyone plays by the same rules. You make think that a day at the beach is your personal chance to get away from it all. Poor innocent, you are wrong. It is a social affair.

Rule #1: If you’re coming to the beach as part of a group, make sure you bring too much paraphernalia for the group to travel back to the car with. You may think you’ve shown rare ingenuity in packing all your necessary gear in one unbleached cotton tote bag (with suitable nautical design stenciled on the outside), but you’re wrong. You may have been right when you started out, but on the trek back to the car you will find that: a) There is one sodden, sand-encrusted towel no one claimed. It is your duty to carry this home. Since it won’t fit in your bag, it will be draped over the crook of your arm. b) The suntan oil you tucked in your bag beside an expensive, brightly colored silk scarf is now greasy and covered with grit. If you didn’t cover your hair with the scarf while lying on the beach, you must now put it over your curls to carry the lotion container under your left armpit. c) Children under age 12 will be too worn out to carry home all the stuff they brought with them to the beach. It is your duty to carry their loads in addition to your own. Failure to do so will result in a significant drain on your wallet, for they will insist on replacing the gear you so thoughtlessly left behind before the next outing.

Rule #2: If you are under the age of 12 and come to the beach with other children, make sure you use someone else’s snorkeling mask rather than your own. Odds are that the most frequently used mask will end up with a broken clear shield when it is piled high with rocks or thrown at someone. This way, when the shield is broken, you will have your mask intact and you can enjoy it on your next beach outing.

Rule #3: If you have small children, paint a large brightly colored number on the back of each with waterproof paint. All children with water-slicked hair, sunburn and sandy lips and nostrils look alike. If you’re lucky, the paint will last the whole summer, or, at least, for the duration of your vacation.

Rule #4: When you shake your beach towel, hold it above your head and shake vigorously. If you catch the breeze just right, you can blind at least 20 people in the immediate vicinity. This will include others in your day at the beach, inspire conversation among strangers and increase your vocabulary of words that are not in the dictionary.

Rule #5: If you bring a dog to the beach make sure it’s a big one. A toy poodle cannot possibly collect enough water and sand to antagonize more than two people. Choose a calm day to bring your dog to the beach. The aroma of wet dog shouldn’t be denied to anyone, and ocean breezes do not fully circulate the scent.

Rule #6: Do not wear shoes to the beach. Hopping from one scorched foot to the other is the only exercise some of us get.

Rule #7: Mimeograph your sunburn symptoms. This will save wear and tear on your vocal cords later on, and you can send copies to your friends who were not fortunate enough to spend part of their summer on the beach.

Rule #8: Do not bring exotic foods to the beach. They get just as gritty as the nectarine your three-year-old dropped in the sand after he or she took a big bite out of it. Abide by my Scottish grammie’s adage: “Waste not, want not.” It is cheaper to finish off a sandy peach than it is to eat a lobster roll someone’s wet sandy golden retriever has shaken itself on. You must, morally, consume the entire gritty lobster roll. On the other hand, a peach, nectarine or plum must be eaten only down to the pit.

Rule #9: If you are a jogger, don’t feel obliged to forego your routine daily constitutional for the benefit of lounging, lazy sun-bathers. A feeling of inadequacy is essential for most leisure-time spenders to round out their jaded personalities.

Rule #10: If you are very fat, stride confidently into the surf in a bathing suit, regardless of how many inches you can pinch. It will encourage those of us with marginal physiques that God invented the beaches for all of us to use without embarrassment or shame. It would also help if you’d stand next to a skinny person who has no beach umbrella. In the blazing sun, any source of shade is welcomed.

Rule #11: If you bring a beach ball to the shore, make sure it gets away from you at least once. Some macho male will feel duty bound to swim after it. He will thank you for the praise he gleans from witnesses on the beach, and also for the exercise which will undoubtedly increase his life span. It’s worth far more than a bit of air surrounded by 89 cents worth of plastic.

Rule #12: Have a good time at the beach. That’s what beaches are for. Feel free to ignore the rules of beach protocol. I made them up.

Compiled by Hilary Wall
library@mvgazette.com