When in the course of human affairs it becomes necessary for one people to discontinue swilling white wine on Martha’s Vineyard with another, a decent respect to the opinions of some of their old friends requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all fourth of July weekend parties are created equal, that their hosts are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are appetizers, entrees and the selection of guests. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that guest lists long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that hosts are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.

But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them with accusations of intolerance, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such company, and to provide new trigger guards for their future security. We, therefore, the representatives of the social life of the Island, appealing to the supreme authority on etiquette for the rectitude of our intentions, wish you all wherever you end up this weekend a happy and civil burger on a well-bred bun.