Final draft of a petition from the Blue States to the Government of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau:

Your Excellent Hotness:

Facing a deadline of Jan. 20, 2017, we, the petitioners of the newly self-declared United Provinces of Southern Canada (the former Blue States), submit for your immediate approval the following plea for collective admission to the Dominion of Canada.

We agree to the following: viz:

Conditions of Admission

Maple Leaf Flag: We would prefer it green, but our Subcommittee of Sanders Voters says red is fine.

Capital: Ottawa (Googled it).

Languages: We learn French. You learn Spanish.

Additional Provinces: Please consider admitting the American territories of Puerto Rico, Guam, the United States Virgin Islands and the Northern Mariana Islands too. You’ll like them. They’re fun. (And warm!)

Special Status: Washington, D.C. (all of it except the governmental parts).


Head of State: You’ve got a governor-general, chosen by the queen, with almost no power, yes? Perfect.

Political Parties: Liberals, Conservatives, the one that loses all the time and the French one? Bon.

Coalition Governments: If that’s another word for bipartisan, we’re in.

Appointed Senate: We gather a lot of you up there don’t like it. Well, trust us, it’s better.

Smokin’ Prime Minister: Check.


You basically rely on the Coast Guard, right? Let us know what else you need.


Currency: You can adopt the real dollar.

Climate Change: Base the whole shebang on turning it around.

Infrastructure Wish List: Everything you do, plus whatever Singapore does.

Taxes and Spending: The more of both the better — cheerfully.

Banking Rules: Have some.


Empirically Based: Yes.

Multi-cultural: Yes.

Multi-sourced: Yes.

Morally Relative: Depends.

Evolution: Yes.

Critical Thinking: The goal.

College: Anything but Electoral.

Spelling with Superfluous “U”s: Nou proublem.

Health Care System

Yours? Obviously.

Wait Times? Fine.

Access to Ours to Avoid Wait Times? Sure, for as long as it lasts.

Social Issues

Identify them? Yes.

Solve them? Yes.

Address new ones before they fester? Yes.

Gun policy: Yours from day one.

Compulsory Volunteerism: We just made this up. But we bet you already have it.


Is More Than One Desirable? Yes.

Separation of Church and State? Duh.

Rules Against Painting Any Faith with a Broad Brush? Inshallah.

Atheism / Agnosticism Okay? Yes, thank God.


Hockey: Think of how many more Canadian teams could win the Stanley Cup!

Football: Three downs but 110 yards? Sounds like the first thing speeds the game up and the second slows it down. But okay.

Baseball: Let the Expos stay in Washington because they’re winning now.

Curling: . . . . oh, man.

Immigration and Foreign Policy

Syrian Refugees: Bless you. We’ll take half.

Quebec: (Shh.)

International Trade Agreements: Coupled with generous, open-ended, national financing for creative, effective workforce retraining programs, yes.

Later Admission of Newly Desperate Red States: Consult us on a case by case basis.

A Wall: If it winds up being necessary down here, we’ll pay for it.

With admiration and gratitude, Mr. Prime Minister — especially for the way you fill out a suit,

— The UPSC